I'm not sure

...but the things I know for sure have to do with this state of mind that is real and radical and not trying. How will my parents react when I tell them I'd rather spend the money on a trip to Europe instead of buying a car? A biodiesel converter is about $2000. I don't want to directly contribute to the war at the moment... I have a choice, right?

I could prepare myself for even more ostracism without a normal car or normal friend. But I really do gotta do my research.

Last night I was excited to be alienated from my friends because I lost my phone charger. A night at home and I watched a really cheesy movie - I won't tell you who is in it - and listened to my room mate stomp on the floor and throw shit in her room and yell at her girlfriend. She was drunk and high, it was 12:35am and she had to be to work at 6:30am. I felt really bad for her but I slept like a baby anyway.

Where does the disease begin (addiction) and the person end? Was she having an insane meth craving? I asked her how she was earlier in the day, tears in her eyes, and I asked her, "Are you ok?" and she said, "It depends on how many beers are left, then I'll know if I'm gonna be ok." I feel for her. But I know my plants make everyone in this house feel better. I thought maybe the patriarch would leave today but he left his cigarette box full of $16 of coins and machete here. I'll be seeing him later tonight.

Poor little chick. I never thought I could warm myself by lending my own wing.

She struggles

Holy fuck it sounds like war outside

Here in my new apartment I feel like I live where the war is. The fridge sounds like alien ship defrosting. Faint voices from another backyard sound like cops. Fireworks sound like war, even the ones that scream like some sort of laughing child. I sense an anvil dropping from the heavens when I hear that sound. The patriarch of the evening offered me a hot dog. I said no thank you and took an apple turn-over instead. I already ate my left overs, and my friend hasn't come over to eat with me the fresh. The national anthem plays faintly starting in the middle

"They're $5 a day," he said.
"For sure, thank you." I said. What I really wanted to say was, "How long are you planning on staying here?" I keep hearing, "Oh ok, then I'll go home." And then, "No, you don't have to go home, I'm just saying," something I can't remember now, but it's happened twice now. What do I say when they walk in and ask me what I'm writing about here, in the war zone, when there's hot dogs down stairs.

I think this apple fritter has satisfied my craving for over priced cigarettes found only out in the war zone. Especially if I went to splurge wearing my Obama-as-Mau shirt. The tree is squalking :}

the internet is like a bad dream
where everything is how it seems
people you know aren't anymore
and you question the sounds bouncing off blinds
the images play back in your mind later
images of ideas sprung
last spring and trigger

{omg that was the stupidest thing to fix}